In Which Myths Aren't Just Myths Anymore
by unset city
Summary: In which...Zeus is a weatherman, Hera's a marriage counselor, Artemis wants to save the forest, Hades is the owner of a hip new club and Aphrodite really, really shouldn't be a love advise columnist!
1. In Which Zeus Will Strike You

In Which Myths Aren't Just Myths Anymore

Disclaimer: I don't own the Greek myths because if I did then I would be very old now wouldn't I?

* * *

The jobs of the Olympians are as follows:

Zeus: Weatherman

Hera: Marriage Counselor

Artemis: Forest Ranger

Athena: Self Defense teacher and women's rights advocate

Apollo: Coach for football and professional ballet dancer

Hades: Owner of the club 'Underworld'

Dionysus: Professional Party Go-er and/or pain in Apollo's ass

Demeter: Florist with a violent side i.e beware her garden shears

Persephone: Works with Demeter and bored with her life

Hestia: Midwife

Poseidon: Disney Cruise ship captain

Ares: Professional boxer and leader of historic tours

Aphrodite: Love Advice Columnist

Eros: Works with Aphrodite but is too busy canoodling with Psyche most of the time

Hermes: Mailman

Hephaestus: Blacksmith

Zeus: Weatherman

I...don't even know!

* * *

Chapter One: In which Zeus Lets No One Disrespect the Beard (Or Him)

00

Zeus was currently plagued with the biggest headache of his immortal life. Of course, this wasn't counting the time Athena decided to spring out of his head but still, the pain was really close to that.

This time however the headache wasn't caused by one irate daughter but by the utter _imbeciles _sitting behind their desks trying to tell him how to do his job.

"It's not like we don't like your beard, really," Stevens, the executive producer of channel 02 was telling him. "It's just that the ratings are going down because of it. It kind of…well…."

"I've had this beard for millennia's," Zeus hissed back because really, the beard was a part of him. They might as well have told him to rip out his own heart instead of cutting off his distinguished facial hair.

So used to Zeus' claims at being immortal, Stevens didn't even blink. "Look it's not about how long you've had it or whatever, it's about the fact that it really isn't that pleasurable to look at."

"It's scholarly!" Zeus snapped, feeling a thunder cloud start to form somewhere in the skies above the studio. "Besides you don't pay me nearly enough to consider doing such a drastic thing. If I have to cut it I'll need gold to show for it."

"….Gold?" Mike, the sound-tech, said rather weakly.

Stevens had the gall to actually roll his eyes. "I am not giving you a raise for this," he told him matter of factly, "Not when that thing is an eyesore. I'd be doing everyone a favor. I mean no offense Zeus, but it makes you look like a homeless man, and homeless men certainly do not belong at channel 02 news."

"A homeless man?" Zeus exclaimed, thunderous. "At least I don't look like a castrated man! Your muscle mass is laughable and I could smite you with my thumb _mortal_!"

"Um Stevens?" Mike meekly spoke up once Zeus paused for breath. "You shouldn't have set him off again."

"Oh god damn it," Stevens growled, "Whatever, just—whatever. Get out there Zeus they're about to go to the weather. We'll discuss this later."

"There is nothing to discuss!" Zeus thundered, "And I knew you would walk away you weak livered—"

"And we're on in 5—"

"—Crevice of my sandal, the oracle will say your demise—"

"4—"

"—eat you in my _Wheaties_—"

"3—"

"—Cerberus needs a snack—"

"2—"

"—eunuch and use your testicles as—"

"1-!"

"—disgusting—Oh yes, right, ahem. Residents of the lower northern region are expected to receive rain much later today, estimating to be about 2 inches high by the time it stops. A cold front will be moving in later tonight, making the temperature drop to around 45 degrees. Tomorrow there will be windy gusts and a large thunderstorm—"

From behind the camera, Mike looked to the cameraman, Alex, in confusion. There was nothing in the reports to indicate a thunderstorm of any kind. To the right of them Stevens looked pissed.

"What the hell is he doing?" he hissed, "Messing up the weather report—"

"—and this thunderstorm will also be seen later today, probably, in the vicinity of this studio, actually. Zeus asks those viewing me right now to tell Stevens, our executive producer that this beard does look dashing and no one can deny it—"

"Cut the camera off! My god this is a disaster—"

As Alex fumbled to cut off the transmission and send the feed back over to the main reporters, there was a large crack somewhere above everyone's heads, and Zeus was wearing a victorious grin as the apoplectic Stevens promptly was heard screaming like a little girl off camera before a large light filled the lens, followed by hushed silence.

"That was for my beard, mortal. And to everyone watching I warned you—beware of those lightning storms," Zeus gravely told the camera as the lightning struck Stevens started to sob.

Zeus headache started to feel a little better as the camera went off.

* * *

I don't even know, really. Sorry if it wasn't that funny to you, but just the image of Zeus doing weather of all things got to me...

Thanks for reading!


	2. In Which Hera Doesn't Hate Men

In Which Myths Aren't Just Myths Anymore

Disclaimer: I don't own the myths but I do own the stupidity

A.N. To everyone waiting for me to update my story, the Last Bite, I really will update it soon, after I'm done my final exams this week probably! Thanks for reviewing and here's the next chapter, just as odd as the first!

Hera: Marriage Counselor

Chapter Two: In Which Hera Definitely Does Not Harbor Resentment Towards Men(and she's sticking with that story)

00

The couple in front of her was currently in a vehement discussion about his cheating ways.

"I know where you go every Tuesday night!" the grieving wife, Maria, wailed. "I know that you're going to see her!"

"That's not true dammit!" the desperate husband, James, pleaded. "I'm hanging out with the boys—"

"No, no you're not! You always come home smelling of her perfume and you even had lipstick stains on your shirt once—"

"That was cranberry juice—"

"James," Hera interrupted as sweetly as she could, "Why don't you just admit that you're a man whore to your wife?"

James, the poor idiot, looked stricken. "Doctor—"

"How could you do this to me!" Maria wailed in agony, "After three years—"

"Listen to me James," Hera said, "Do you love your wife?"

"Of course I do!" James gasped, indignant. "She's everything to me!"

"Well if she really is everything to you, then why do you betray her?"

"I don't—"

"You do!" Hera insisted, and if her voice was taking on a sinister tone that, well, that was that. "You do and you dishonor your wife and the sacred vows you've committed by doing so!"

"Sacred vows!" Maria continued to wail. "Dishonor—!"

"Doctor Hera please, just listen to me—"

"No, never, I never listen to liars. You listen to me now. I've had enough of your philandering ways and Maria's crying, so you will end this affair. If you don't end this affair I will not only send someone to castrate you but I will have someone kill the woman you are sneaking around with. Do I make myself clear?"

"Are you…?" James was very pale all of a sudden. "Are you threatening me?"

Hera narrowed her eyes speculatively. "I don't know; did it work?"

"I…" James swallowed. "You can't do any of those things! It's illegal!"

"BREAKING MY HEART IS ILLEGAL!" Maria caterwauled passionately.

"It's not illegal if no one gets caught," Hera simply replied. "Besides, I think you'll like life without your testes; it's less…tempting that way."

James tried to laugh it off nervously, thinking she was joking, but Hera just stared coldly at him. She was an expert at emasculation after all.

"If I ever see you in here again all of what I have said will happen. Now please Maria, have a tissue."

Throwing one last dark look at the trembling James, Hera handed Maria a tissue and drew a noose around the neck of the man she had drawn on her legal pad.

All in a day's work, really.

00

"So…honey?"

"Yes Zeus, my love, my heart."

"….how did our new maid break her neck again?"

00

No one was actually hurt during this story...or Hera did a good job hiding the evidence! :)

Oh and the names of the couple are from Silent Hill 2, by the way. The more you know! 3


End file.
